You know, sometimes sex is like
such a confusing thing in my life.
Listen, sex seems very complicated and confusing,
but it's very simple.
The man takes his penis,
puts it into a woman's vagina,
he ejaculates and she dies.
She dies?
Oh, no, I was thinking of something else.
That's...
♪ Louie, Louie, Le, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie you're gonna cry ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie louaaa ♪
Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
( audience laughing )
I guess I feel like I should go out and get laid,
but I don't have sex drive, really.
I have...
It's not sex drive... I have sex...
Just sit in the car and hope someone gets in.
There's not really... it's not drive.
Hi.
I just wanted to say I thought you were really funny.
Wow, thank you, thanks very much.
I was listening to what Louie said
about younger girls, though.
Uh-huh.
Well, it's not true, not for all of us.
Oh, yeah, how's that?
Well, I'm really turned on by older guys.
You are? Sure.
How old are you?
26.
That turns you on, doesn't it?
Just the number.
Can I ask you... Why do you like older guys?
I don't know.
Guys my age just suck.
They all think they're so great.
They have all this annoying energy,
and they're all pink and smooth like a baby.
Eww.
Yeah, I guess I... but older guys are just relaxed.
I mean, you've given up, which makes you grounded.
Your skin is all loose and a little dry.
And you smell weirdo
we smell weird
totally... do you mind?
Mmm, yeah... you smell.
Like what?
I don't know, like...
Dying?
It's sexy.
Well, you smell nice, too.
Well, yeah, young pussy smells good.
Holy shit.
I know.
You've hit the jackpot, right?
Listen, this is the greatest thing
that e to me, clearly,
but I don't know about
being in a relationship with a younger...
Relationship ? Eww.
Who said anything about that?
Here you are... can we go?
Oh, baby.
Yeah.
Oh...
Oh, my God, you're so old.
What?
You're so old, you're so goddamn old.
Yeah, I'm pretty old.
Tell me.
Tell me how old you are.
I'm 42. Oh...
I'm almost 43.
Oh!
I was born in 1967.
Oh, God, that's cry old!
I remember going to movies when it cost $3.
Oh, shit, yeah!
I remember smoking on airplanes.
Oh, shit, that's so long ago!
I had a vein removed from my leg year.
Yes, so did my mom... don't stop!
I voted for Mike Dukakis.
Oh!
Who the hell is that?
I'm older than any baseball player,
except Jamie Moyer, I think.
He's still playing for the Phillies.
Oh, oh... oh!
Should I call you, or...?
Nope.
That was great, though, thanks.
Okay.
Sex drive has to come from somewhere,
and it's not just about sex.
Sex has something behind it and it's weird,
'cause we ignore it.
Sex is reallying to get somewhere.
E it's... it's trying to have a family.
You don't really wanna know that
because we've separated those two things,
but the entire reason sex exists is to have babies.
That the only reason it exists at all,
but we're such a narcissistic species
that we've separate... we've made it just...
'cause we just wanna... like, we just wanna just...
( grunting )
It's just a weird kind of behavior.
We just want to spray jizz everywhere just for no reason.
( Grunting )
'Cause that urge is the urge to procreate.
A horny teenage boy is thinking, "I want a baby.
"Oh, yeah.
"Oh, dude.
"Oh, look at her tits.
"I want her to feed my little baby with her big tits.
Oh, yeah !"
That's what that is.
But we make it this separate thing.
Animals must think we're idiots.
Animals that watch us have sex must be like...
"they don't know what they're...
He's coming on her tits, he's a moron, this guy."
"Woo-hoo, doo !"
Just, "whoops !"
It just looks stupid to them.
Anyway, I'm a... I'm a father.
( Scattered applause )
Why?
It's weird the kind of things people will clap for.
It's interesting.
First of all, right away, any kind of a, "I got kids."
There you go.
"I ate 'em both."
"Oh.
"Wish I'd had... wish I'd waited.
Maybe a premature clap right there with that."
I mean, some parents are okay.
Some parents are douche bags.
( Loatter )
( Woman ) Good evening.
Good evening, may I have your attention?
Yes.
Thank you, good evening.
As always, we are really grateful for those of you
who pitch in here and add your ideas.
Except you never use any of our ideas or really listen.
Jay, I don't think you can say that and be fair.
Look, I am more than happy to look at your ideas.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Okay.
Chris is here to talk about some ways
are trying to include more physical activity
in the curriculum
to deal with this fatigue problem.
I'm sorry, what was that?
Sorry?
Oh, it's my first PTA meeting.
Oh, well, thank you, thank you for coming.
Thanks.
I just was wondering, what is meant by the fatigue problem?
Yeah, I'm curious about that, too.
It's also my first PTA meeting.
I work, hi.
The fatigue problem is what was identified
in the first quarter of this school year
as being a marked decline
in the spirit and interest and energy of the kids here.
Usually around noon or right after lunch.
It's because of the lunch.
They aren't given enough time to eat.
No, it's not that... they're being demoralized.
You fill them with academics,
you don't tell them who they are.
For now, we are focusing on the lack of physical activity.
Now, we still don't have a gym
because of last year's diarrhea flood.
Excuse me, excuse me. S.
My name is Nancy Cartesian.
My son is never Cartesian.
Jesus.
He has definitely suffered from the fatigue syndrome.
In my opinion, it's because of the competitive nature
of this school, of the children and...
I've been reading about this reggio teaching method
from Italy... it's like Montessori,
only it's a little bit more creative.
When are they supposed to dance?
It's the academics.
This place is still stuck in the '70s.
Who still teaches math anymore?
We've been talking about introducing
some competitive sports.
I think our just need to be allowed
to play more creatively.
You are all way off... this problem's...
Isn't it just... it's school, right?
So, I mean, school sucks.
Right?
I mean, you do what you can to improve it, but it's not...
In the end, there's a limit, 'cause it's school.
And school sucks.
Remember?
Hey.
Hey, could I get one of those?
Sure. Thank you.
Yeah, I don't think your "school sucks" initiative
is gonna get much support.
Mm-hmm.
Just saying. I know.
I don't even know why I came.
I guess I just figured you gotta go to one PTA meeting.
Say.
Hey, your son...
Serge.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't know anybody's names.
It's all right.
You guys are in my Lilly's class.
Yeah, I know. Yeah?
Yeah, serge talks about Lilly all the time.
He's in stupid love with her.
I didn't know that.
Well, listen, Lilly hasn't made a lot of friends
in the new class and I was wondering if maybe
you just wanna do a playdate?
You're not trying to
stick your dick up me, are you?
No, I just...
You can drop him off and go do something else.
I just... Lilly's kind of a loner.
I wanna get a playdate for her, that's all.
Okay, 'cause nothing goes in here anymore.
I mean, all this shit is shut down for good.
All right, well, I don't think I'll be needing
any of that "shit" for the playdate, so.
So when do you want to do it?
Are you making a playdate?
Because Never would really like one also.
Oh, no, mm-mmm.
No, we were just... nope.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, I feel awful.
I don't.
That woman's an asshole.
Have you met never?
That kid is a piece of shit.
Well, he d out of an asshole.
Sometimes I feel like I just... I don't have any friends.
And why do you think that is?
I don't know.
Do you think it's...
Because you're fat?
Who are you... you think I'm fat?
I'm asking you
if you think you're fat.
No, you asked me if I thought
I didn't have friends because I'm fat.
Because...
You think you're fat.
Hey.
Hey... hey, girls, serge is here.
I was gonna take you up on your offer
of using this time to do something,
but I couldn't make anything happen.
So do you mind if I stay?
Yeah, of course, please, come on in.
Okay.
All right, honey... shoes. Take 'em off.
No, no, no, he doesn't have to.
Oh, please. He steps in dog poop on purpose.
Do you have wine?
So when did you guys get divorced?
Well, we got separated about two years ago
and the divorce took forever.
Is serge okay with nuts?
Yeah, and his really likes wine.
Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
Is this okay?
Yes, please.
Why don't you peel carrots?
I got this. Okay.
Mmm!
Oh, my God, this is so good!
It's just some rice and beans.
Mm-mmm.
You don't understand.
I come home from work,
I make him macaroni and cheese,
I eat whatever's left in his bowl while he's in the tub.
I wish daddy would make macaroni and cheese.
Hey, listen, little girl, you should be happy
that your daddy takes the time to make nice food for you.
You should be grateful.
What does grateful mean?
She knows what grateful means.
Ooh.
Undercut by big sister, I like it!
So where is...
Serge's dad?
Yeah, sorry.
You know, I feel like you shouldn't ask anybody
about anybody just to be safe... you never know.
Good rule, definitely.
Well, people are so stupid.
They're like... "where is your wife ?"
Like they never heard of divorce or people dying.
And they go, "I'm so sorry."
Like, you didn't say you were so sorry
when I was stuck in a shitty marriage.
Well, most divorced people are depressing.
They're lost.
You're doing fine.
You're obviously a great dad.
What?
How do you know I'm such a great dad?
Just 'cause I'm in the same room with my children,
that's it?
Yeah, exactly.
Just by showing up, you're father of the year.
You're here, you're peeling a carrot.
You're amazing.
That's kind of offensive to fathers.
Well, it should be.
Fathers should be offended all the time, they stink.
Oh, come on.
Look, you really gonna defend fathers?
What was your father like?
Not around.
Dude, take the compliment.
You're a great dad. Thanks.
Daddy, we're chasing serge.
That's great, honey.
I know you told me her name but I forgot.
What is it?
Doesn't matter.
Oh, my God.
Okay...
What's the worst thought
you ever had about your kids?
I don't know, you go first.
All right.
I would never hit serge, never.
But sometimes,
I think about hitting him.
Like, I picture it, like a fantasy.
Come on, that's not so bad.
Well, I mean, I don't think about it
when he's being bad
or I'm having a hard time with him
or anything like that, I just...
I think about it when I'm bored
or when I'm bored of being a mom,
or when he's just boring.
I just think a hitting him
right in his stupid little face.
Oh, my God, that's awful.
I know.
Oh, my God. I know.
Jesus.
All right, so what's yours?
Oh, uh...
I don't know, I'm drawing a blank.
Come on.
I can't think of anything.
That's not fair... you're a piece o
it. I can't think of anything.
You're gonna make me burn in hell alone?
No, no, no, no, no, no, okay.
Bad...
What... hurry!
Okay, okay, okay, all right, you know what?
I was thinking that
on Jane's 18th birthday, right?
That's the day I stop being a dad,
of children, officially.
Like, the day I just... I just become a guy, not "daddy,"
I just become just some dude.
I think on that day...
I might kill myself.
Oh, my God!
Please do it now.
Oh, my God, you're the biggest bummer I ever met.
I hate you.
Oh, I'm having so much fun.
Pamela?
Pamela ?O
oh, hey, serge, your mom is...
She just got tired.
She had too much wine.
Mama, mama, wake up.
Oh, honey.
Okay, we're going now.
Thank you so much, thanks for everything.
Bye, girls! You're going?
All right, well...
Grab your shoes.
All right, well, bye, than for everything.
Right, sure.
Thanks for coming.
( Louie ) I've never gotten laid 'cause of the way I look
in my life... I know that.
I've never gained from my looks at all.
It's not like, "oh, they're going, what am I gonna do now ?"
I've never gained any advantage in life...
I've never been laid 'cause of the way I look.
I've never been a guy
who I just walk in a room and women go,
"ohh..."
They drop their microphones and start masturbating
their vaginas and anuses at the same time.
I'm not that guy.
There are those guys.
I'm not that guy.
I'm the guy that women see and they go...
"eh ?"
And I'm like,
"I know, but let me just talk to you for a minute."
( Audience laughing )
And then later that night, she's like,
"I can't believe I'm having sex with that weird guy."
I'm like, "I know, it's weird, but it does happen."
I don't know what...
What kind of position we're in that she's doing this
and I'm doing this.
Just kind of just poking her.
And she's like, "really ?"
"Yeah, this is all I like,
I don't... nothing else works, sorry."
I can't... I just can't get organized, you know?
I feel like my whole life is just...
I feel like I'm underwater.
I'm just overwhelmed by everything that I have to do.
Have you ever heard...
Of someone dying...
And then... You got an erection?
What?
No.
No, that never... that never happened to me.
That happened to me.
Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com